Managing Saboteurs
Many of us deal with people in our close circles (family and/or friends) who may sabotage our weight loss efforts and impede our healthy lifestyle. Whether it is with comments, questions, acts or situations, these saboteurs can create feelings of negativity and frustration as we are trying to maintain healthy habits. Saboteurs can even sabotage our efforts when they think they are being helpful – for example, by making a comment like: "Are you SURE you should be eating that?” when we make a mindful choice to have a small portion of dessert. Your awareness of these types of individuals will help you persevere through tough situations.
An article in October's Best Health Magazine touches on this subject. Psychologist Cheryl Fraser responds to one woman's struggle with her "thin” family – the woman states: "I am the heavy one in a family of skinny women. I've made a commitment to lose weight. But my sisters tempt me with my favourites, and even tease me. How can I deal with this?”
Fraser suggests we have 3 choices when faced with saboteurs – we can confront, avoid or ignore. How we use these 3 concepts depends on the type of saboteur we're dealing with (i.e. what is their underlying motivation) and how committed we are to maintaining our healthy habits.
1. Confront Positively. Teasing can occur from our closest family members. If it is based on their misunderstanding of how difficult the struggle with food & weight is, speak to them – in person. If you feel comfortable enough, tell them what your goals are and how much you need their support. Explain how weight loss and healthy eating matter to your physical and psychological well-being. Hopefully, with your assertiveness, that person will respond in a much more encouraging and supportive way in the future.
2. Avoid Mindfully. Sometimes family & friends honestly don't realize how difficult they make their social events for those of us trying to be healthy – especially if they're the type to constantly urge you to: "try this, I made it!” or, "have a second piece of my dessert, you deserve it!” If these situations bring about feelings of negativity, try to be careful of going to family gatherings that involve (or revolve around) food. Obviously this is easier said than done, and there are certain events we aren't able to avoid. So, if you're not able to get out of a dinner gathering, perhaps tell your hosts you'll be arriving after dinner (and eat a healthy meal at home). Or, you could host the next gathering and therefore have control over the menu.
However, be aware that there may be deep-rooted psychological factors coming into play. Sometimes siblings or friends envy or resent each other, and because of this, they deliberately try to sabotage another's efforts. If this is the case, and confrontation has failed, you may need to reduce or even eliminate contact with that person as long as they continue to impede your progress. Fraser calls this a "temporary avoidance phase,” but a critical one if it's necessary.
3. Ignore Confidently. If you are already established in your healthy lifestyle, then what was initially a psychological challenge (i.e. "What should I eat?” "Can I say no to that dessert?” "I have no willpower in this situation!”) is now simply the way you live (i.e. "I make healthy choices.” "I am in control of my decisions.” "I celebrate my healthy body!”). If you are at this point, you can more easily ignore the behaviour of saboteurs.
You are committed to healthy food, and enjoying the energy, self-esteem and confidence that come with your everyday choices. The comments and actions of saboteurs will have less impact. What bothered you in the past now bounces off. If it still bothers you, you don't use food for comfort. Instead, you move forward and feel positive in your ability to maneuver through any situation with confidence.
The journey to a healthier lifestyle is never an easy road – I repeat this time and time again. There will always be a person or situation that may slow your progress or set you off track. The most important thing is to learn from every situation so that you may plan for the next one. Those who lose weight and maintain are individuals who consistently get back on track no matter what throws them off. Saboteurs are a very real part of our individual journeys…no matter what our end goal might be. Be assertive, confront these people in a positive way, or avoid them if at all possible. Eventually, you will be able to ignore their actions with confidence and resilience.
Don't ever give up on yourself!
Dr. Doug