Open Letter to the Spouse/Parent/Friend of a Dieter
From: "The Bariatrician” June, 2010
Sometimes the most difficult roadblocks we encounter on our weight-loss journey are the people we are closest with. Family and friends usually don't intend to sabotage our efforts, but they may not realize the struggles we encounter every minute of every day when trying to be healthy! The following "letter” summarizes information that might be beneficial for a family member, friend, spouse or significant other to read…
You may think that this is a rather unconventional thing to do, appealing to someone who is close to a dieter for help, but certain things need to be said, or all their efforts could possibly be for nothing. For this reason, please carefully read everything that follows. All the things mentioned in this letter do not apply in every case, but they are used as examples of things that could go wrong.
It is obvious that no one holds an overweight person down and makes him or her overeat. In 99 percent of the cases, the person who is overweight is that way because he or she eats more food than is burned. What is not so obvious is the effect that the home and work environments have on the overweight individual. Numerous scientific experiments have pointed out, time and time again, that the surroundings and external influences on an overweight person have more to do with his or her problem eating behavior than the internal cues hunger ever had.
A large majority of overweight persons never experience a true feeling of hunger or satiety (lack of hunger) in the way that an individual of normal weight does. Certain experiments have shown that cues, such as elapsed time from the most recent meal, odors, sight of food (watching TV and eating), being in a certain location, and being emotionally upset will trigger massive food intake at times. These cues can make even the most compliant dieter vulnerable to problem eating impulses.
You may be asking yourself, "What does all this have to do with me? It is not my problem. He or she should be able to diet by willpower alone! Why involve me at all? If he or she does not do well, the overeating is not my fault.” Nothing could be further from the truth. You are important, in fact, more important than most of the people in this dieter's life, or you would not be reading this now. If you are truly interested in helping the dieter, please take what is said here on faith for a while and see for yourself whether or not it is true.
It may mean changing your own lifestyle a bit, but the results will be worthwhile. To begin with, never criticize the dieter for not dieting properly, or for his or her eating habits. Ridicule, teasing, taunting, or other verbal abuse does not stop an undesirable behavior. It most likely will only make him or her want to eat more than before. You may have to bite your tongue to do so, but only comment on desirable eating behavior. If the patient is not breaking the diet, then comment on how good that behavior is. If a lapse does occur (which it will), the less said, the better. In the long run, positive reinforcement techniques work better for compliance to a diet plan. To repeat, even if you see something done incorrectly, please say nothing.
Since seeing or smelling food can be important in producing undesirable eating behavior, the dieter needs to "fat-proof” his or her dwelling. This means that all junk food that might be tempting must be cleaned out. For the rest of your family or social group, it might mean going out to get ice cream and refusing to eat it, or something equally tempting, in front of the dieter. To eat such goodies in front of someone on a diet is an act of cruelty.
Many families are used to eating together, but the dieter may decide not to eat with you if distress is caused by sitting and watching others eat. He or she may simply eat quickly and then get right up from the table after finishing, even if others have not yet stopped eating. Many dieters are pickers, and if such a person remains at the table, it will be difficult not to nibble at one thing or another. Please be understanding, and at a later date, when dieting efforts have been successful, normal table behavior may be resumed.
A dieter may have to stay away from problem places, such as pizza parlors, taco stands, spaghetti houses, hamburger stands, take-out fried chicken stores, and other equally tempting dens. Please do not bring this type of food home or order by phone and tempt the dieter. The result is usually disastrous and is equivalent to tempting an alcoholic to go into a bar, or like bringing him/her a bottle of wine. No thinking and caring person would do that to an alcoholic, but lots of people will try to "feed” a dieter.
What this message boils down to is that the dieter is weak and does have some bad habits, but he or she is worth any and all efforts to help save them from the life-shortening effects of obesity. You and others may be inconvenienced a little, but surely you can tolerate these minor annoyances for a while.
About one of every hundred dieters is faced with open or hidden sadism, or mental illness, on the part of his or her spouse or relative. A certain type of person seems to feed on the misery of others, particularly of those who are overweight. One example is the husband who keeps his wife fat because of insecurity of other related reasons. He feels secure because she is so obese that "no one else would have her.” When his wife tries to lose weight, such a man becomes anxious and tries to get her to go off the diet by tempting her, annoying her, or by otherwise sabotaging her efforts. As she gets closer to her lower goal weight, he becomes more and more anxious and insecure, and will resort to physical abuse, verbal assaults, and as a last desperate effort, may cut off her funds so that she cannot continue her weight program. For those who stick it out and continue the diet program, there is sometimes divorce, usually coming on the heels of an increasing amount of verbal and physical abuse.
Victims may also be husbands of insecure wives, or children of insecure parents. Some men are victims of a bullying, feeding wife. These women try to get and keep what they want: "a husband so fat and unattractive that no one else would want him.”
In summary, you and others who have close contact with the dieter have more influence on him or her than you could ever realize. Without your total assistance and support, the dieter will more than likely fail. The attitude that "food is love” is widespread. The idea is still strong in many people, that by giving food you accept love, and by rejecting that food you also reject that love. You can, however, show love in ways not related to food. Try flowers and small, inedible gifts to show affection and love. They work just as well and last a lot longer!
Don't hesitate to give this letter to someone in your life that might be impeding your progress without knowing it. You deserve to be surrounded by individuals who help you continue on your journey day by day! Don't ever give up on yourself – you deserve this, and you CAN do it!
Dr. Doug